This subject feels relevant particularly as cupid is about with his bow and arrow at Valentine’s Day but the question is what is love? I see different perceptions of what love is all the time. This got me thinking does everyone have a different version of what love is………..Their own version. I think it is an important topic as not only will it inspire thinking about our own position within our relationships but on a wider scale. I believe that healthy relationships are a defence against ill mental health.

We are given a version of what love is as children by our parents, that version of what love is depends on how that translates to the individual. An example of this is take that girl who is with that guy who is horrible to her, he controls her, he cheats on her, he hits her……… Why would she put up with this? Accept this is her perception of what it is to be in a loving relationship as this mirrors the relationship her mum and dad had. There is the opposite of this of course where a girl might say I don’t want my partner to be anything like my dad he was an ass hole!

Another example of defining love based on our needs could be when the female in the relationship is particularly maternal to the male in the relationship. I don’t want to limit this relationship dynamic to just heterosexual relationships as it can exist in homosexual relationships also. It is a common know fact that girls often mature younger than boys and some boys never fully mature. A paternal female offers an escape from the family nest at a time when he is striving to prove to his family that he is competent enough to gain independence. The female is served because she can assert her maternal expression and the male is served because he likes her being Mumsie to him.

It is no surprise people get lost in their search for what love is, our parents give us nothing to begin with. They don’t talk of romantic liaisons and rarely show affection in front of us. This could be why as children we take the next most influential source of information in our lives, television. Then there is the attitude of dad suggesting his daughter can never have a boyfriend which could set off the ideology to his sons that the daughter is held in higher regard.

When parents talk about what the ideal partner they say things like ‘”Make sure you pick someone that will treat you nice.” Are often said but define nice, what does nice look like in light of what is being said? Is it a foot massages and flowers? Or is it diamond rings and designer perfume?

Parents add to this by teaching us a set of attitudes that have no place in a relationship by saying things like ‘I am right you are wrong!’ This teaches an ignorant mind-set that can’t be moved and I’m sure will result in some pretty uncompromising arguments. Another example could be ‘Don’t take no s*&! From no one!’ This sets up an uncompromising attitude that no one can do wrong and in life and cant allow room for error. Finally another example could be Stereotyping behaviours of the sexes. All men cheat, sets up a mistrusting ideology. She is very pretty, sets an ideology of what is acceptable to the parent.

Then there is the perception of what Disney think love is. Love in the eyes of Disney is, princesses and prince charming’s, good and evil and happily ever after’s, love at first sight. Of course in the real world if these things were true perhaps the world would be better suited if it had birds singing and squirrels that are blue (why they are that colour escapes me!) bouncing round everywhere we go. Don’t be fooled by how powerful this ideology is I have known of people to get married flamboyantly only to end the marriage shortly after the wedding, just so they could have their day as a Disney like princess.

Another interesting concept amongst Disney culture is women who have power are almost always evil and princesses are not treated very nice until they are rescued. This for me sets up an ideology that women are less, and unable to help themselves. This suits today’s society as men are problem solvers by their very nature and because of how Disney have painted men we love to be the hero. So if we see a “damsel in distress” we can’t resist but go and rescue her.

The measure of what a woman is according to Disney is clear in Cinderella. She is compared to her ‘ugly’ sisters in the story and the one chosen by the prince but she only has a couple of hours to ‘win him over’ I might add. She is happy and her sisters are not. She can cook and clean her sisters cant or are too lazy. This is the one chosen by the prince therefore saying this is what you need to be in order to be chosen by a prince.

I could really talk for ever about the image Disney paints of what it is to be female. It is worth mentioning that today Disney’s franchise goes beyond just its films it now has a channel, showing similar themed material but more frequently. Disney’s Descendants modernises the female ideology by moving on to the next generation of Disney characters such as Cruella Deville’s son, Belle’s son, Snow Whites daughter and Cinderella’s fairy god mother is present also.

The thing I find most alarming is how sexualisation of American kids TV programme front liners such as Britney Spears and more recently Ariana Grande has happened. Once cute and Disney then within a couple of months of leaving their respective roles on TV they transform into sexual icons.

Phillip Zambardo famous author of the Stanford Prison Experiment did some research on what teenage boys think love is. The results were quite alarming with many young men not even feeling close to the dating game that they substitute this image with online pornography. This unrealistic ideology of what sex is has become the social programming of what love is to a generation of young men. The days of taking a girl on a date to the cinema and having a smooch in the back row seem long gone.

The Oxford dictionary definition of what is love is ‘A strong feeling of affection and sexual attraction for someone.’

The Urban Dictionary definition of what is love is ‘nature’s way of tricking people into reproducing.’

Can we begin to see what part of the problem is here if this is what google has to offer in terms of the definition of love.

 Another point I would like to make is how many times have you come across that friend who is in what you consider to be a good relationship, but yet they are thinking about ending that relationship for lack of excitement or lack of something. Of course this could be the best course of action for this friend, on the other hand it is worth mentioning that when we crave change it can present itself in ways we may not understand.

Sometimes when we want change in our lives it can be hard to pin down where the change is needed. It could be its time to move home, find a new hobby, have a career change or even get a new circle of friends. If you have a relationship where for the most part you get along and communicate this is the foundation of what a lasting loving relationship is. If it doesn’t feel as glitzy as a Hollywood love affair that is because a relationship is not this, however it is not impossible to achieve this with good communication. In a relationship what love is needs to be renegotiated as individuals change along with their needs.

Love is individual, based on the individuals wants and needs we cant judge someone’s version of loves because it is not ours.

Here is a poem I wrote about what love could be…….

What is Love

Is it someone you always think of.

Or is it someone you like the look of

Is it your opposite that makes you feel complete like a pair of gloves.

Or is it that the peace they bring is like watching white doves,

Is it the fuel of your arguments feel like explosives,

Or is it their face when you offer a pocket full of posies,

Is it that they are there when you fall down,

Or is it their efforts to try and fix your frown

Is it because they recognise what you need and celebrate your individuality

Or celebrate your personality and offer an escape from reality

Whilst of course all of these things could be true, some of them might not be for you

Can it be that some might not want to love at all or are we somewhat captured by it all

Can it be true that Love is not pure

It meets at the complication meeting place of us all

They interact with each other like dancers at a ball

Maybe their joker can help heal your pain, or maybe their pain feels somewhat the same……….

or the hole in your soul can be matched with the wound in theirs,

There is a lot of mismatch out there take care.

So can I answer what love is? The answer to that is I could get close to telling you what love is to me and my version of it. What I would suggest is you look within and find your version of what love is to you because in the grand scheme of things the varying versions of what it can be may not even be close to what your version of it is.

You may not even be able to answer what it is for you because you haven’t put enough thought there. Self-exploration and acceptance of what you recognise your needs to be have to form the foundation of what love is for you, even if these things are not common themes in surrounding relationships around you. Own what it is you want from your relationship even if parts of it feel dysfunctional to others. It is your relationship not theirs and frankly if it fulfils the space in your life that you define as love, then let it be, its your life after all………….

If you would like to explore who you are then counselling can offer you the space for this exploration and then perhaps you can make an informed decision on what it is you want from a relationship. Or perhaps your in a relationship and you want to explore your position within it.

Contact www.brighter-pathways.co.uk to find out more.