It has been a little while since I have blogged, I apologise for this, but in recent times I have been very busy. I hope you enjoy this counselling blog. If it is interesting to you I would be very grateful if you would share with anyone else that might be interested.
I sit here alone as I write this, this is one of a few ways I put my own individual creative stamp on the world. Whilst writing this I am being distracted from the ultimate loneliness of my existence. Yes, I have a family, I have hundreds of friends on my Facebook friends list, I have work colleagues, neighbours, I also make a point of making my existence known to the people I encounter daily. I smile and make conversation with the people that work in my local shop I always make my friendly presence felt and this morally boosts my existence in the world when I am greeted with a friendly response when I encounter these people on a daily basis when I go to buy my necessities.
This part of me most likely exists because my ancestors were hunter-gatherers. You stood a better chance of survival if you stayed in a pack making you less easy to pick off by other hunter-gatherers or say dinosaurs. To avoid being lonely is an in-built survival mechanism to elaborate further on this part of ourselves.
Why Can Loneliness feel so uncomfortable?
Will Storr explores this concept in his recent book ‘Selfie’ a guy who just happens to be a clinical psychologist is sat in a park eating his lunch on a summers day. 2 other guys are playing Frisbee near him when suddenly the Frisbee lands near the clinical psychologist. So, the clinical psychologist picks up the Frisbee and throws it to one of the two guys. Then the two guys start throwing the Frisbee back and forth including the clinical psychologist in their game.
Then without warning the two Frisbee guys stopped throwing the Frisbee to the psychologist. The psychologist sat with the feeling of rejection, why did they cut me off? And why does this hurt so much? The conclusion the clinical psychologist came to was this; when we were hunter-gatherers our survival relied upon staying part of a group. If you were cut off from the group as I suggested earlier, you would either get picked off by let’s say a dinosaur or you would starve to death. Staying in your group was life and death, being ostracised from the group was a life and death problem. Hence the big response internally when rejection happens.
Here is another example of the efforts we go to in order to fit in. Have you ever moved to a different district and notice you quite quickly start using local lingo? Or you start spending time with somebody new and you say something that sounds like them? This is your brain working hard to help you fit in so you don’t get looked at as an outsider, your brain wants you to fit in because it has primitive instincts to survive.
Do you feel lonely in a room full of people? Do you feel like something is missing even when you should feel contented?
Does any of this ring true to you? What if I said there is another side of loneliness that you may not have put much thought into. A something that culturally is not shouted about or looked at in any great detail unless we tainted with its brush. The thing I am talking about is a deliberate attempt to look at the ultimate mortality of our existence, that there is an ending of our life and it could well have and most likely will have a different end time to all the people I mentioned earlier ie friends, family etc.
This loneliness cannot be cured by surrounding yourself with people as whilst this at times might serve as a distraction, it can cause more alarm when you start to feel lonely in the presence of others. Unfulfilling, empty and purposelessness are just the surface of how this loneliness can feel. I think in this loneliness we get close to an expression such as ‘No one actually knows what it is like to be me………..’
I don’t think we can get to that either, coming to terms with that, ‘no one knows what it’s like to be me’ is the first steps into recognising that one’s existence is a unique experience. When we get close to what that experience if for ourselves, it is then that we learn that everyone has this battle to fight. It is when we get closer to ourselves we can be around others more fulfilled and less lonely.
Irvine Yalom says “I should have become an “I” before I became a “we”.” If we can get closer to who that “I” is then we are more fulfilled and fulfilling in a “we” relationship.
For me, I believe that when we look at life as a period of time where this very much could be all that your existence is. This temporary feeling of existence is all that we have as a measure that one has lived, then I believe we are more likely to sit up and take notice.
I know there are religious beliefs of life after death etc and whilst this might or might not be the case. For me, I am going to live my life more fully if I do not put that down to chance. If I look at my existence as temporary and I have one attempt at it then I am going to live my life fully. If I am in a room feeling lonely, I will choose to either stay in the loneliness or think what have I got to lose, I will be dead in 50 years (optimistic maybe)
My belief is, by building meaningful relationships with the people around us we stand the best chance of making it through to the end of our lives without regret. If I spent my life chasing possessions, at the end of my life when those possessions are long gone, I would question was it worth it!? If I have built meaningful relationships with people the absence of me may ultimately pain those I have touched, but my being will live on through their memories of me.
Do I have the answers? I am thinking no! but I know where to start looking.
Counselling can be a great place to explore what your existence means to you. What decisions do you make on a daily basis based upon what others life meanings are? For example, if dad had a strong work ethic does that mean you have ultimately taken on that ethic because it is all you have known. I personally don’t believe in working a 5 day week, I choose to work a 4 day week and spend the 5th day working on my relationships.
Counselling is a place where you can get to know yourself better and figure yourself out. Whilst I recognise this might sound cliché of the counselling experience. I am humbled by the number of people that get closer to themselves within their counselling journey. They then go on to springboard into their lives with more meaning and clarity.
If you would like to embark on the self-exploration process and need someone to help facilitate that, please do get in touch. Nick 07903319318 or find out more about me here www.brighter-pathways.co.uk
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