We all know that one person that has all opposite-sex friends right?
This blog is going to discuss something that I experience personally but often see in my client work and friendships around me. That is when a person feels most comfortable in friendships with the opposite sex.
Despite my appearance, I feel I have always fallen short of that macho Alpha male status more because of how I felt inside. As a matter of fact once upon a time, I think I went to the gym and bulked up whilst plastering myself in tattoos to perhaps counterbalance the fact I felt more feminine on the inside than I was prepared to admit. As a thirty-something male, this is more acceptable now than it was growing up as a young man in today’s society.
If I was to let this part of me out as an adolescent or young man there is not a doubt in my mind I would have been branded with all sorts of homophobic jargon despite my obvious heterosexuality.
I have always found it easier to form relationships with the opposite sex. At one time I remember sharing an office with 5 women, my manager was a woman and I taught over 100 young women Health and Social care and counselling every week for a couple of years. I was also a Personal Tutor to 80% of them!
Why do I think it worked? I think it had something to do with the energy I felt along with the egotistical boost of presenting myself as an honourable male role model. To them perhaps I presented something of a father figure along with gentle masculine humour. Maybe I was something that did not fit their stereotype.
The negativity involved.
The feedback I receive from a woman who finds male friendships more compatible is that they are on the receiving end of negativity and are called names that relate to the number of sexual partners they have had. This is the complete polar opposite of what a male receives. A male is met with homophobic jargon, a female is met with comments about being promiscuous.
I feel I have experienced a negative side effect of being more able to get on with women than men in that I have a lack of male relationships despite enjoying being in male environments for example my local garage or the barbershop. I enjoy the male banter that happens in these environments despite their negative topics sometimes.
Roles we hold as sexes
So what could be the benefits of enjoying opposite-sex relationships? For me, it has to be that during school years the sexes are so divided that we lose touch with what the opposite sex is. I know we are living in a society where traits associated with gender are trying to be neutralised but for me masculine and feminine traits are valuable, it is valuable to identify and own them also, these are the traits that have kept us alive as a species for thousands of years.
The nurturing, caring maternal nature of the female, the strength and problem-solving capabilities of the male. The females strive to talk out their problems with friends, the males desire to forget about his problems by being humorous with friends.
Men and women understanding one another…………maybe it’s just not meant to be!
I always think of the scene in the film ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ as an example of the polar opposites that exist in the understanding men have of women and vice versa. Gloria and Billy are in bed together and the following dialogue happens.
Gloria: Honey? My mouth is dry. Honey. I’m thirsty.
Billy: Umm… [Billy walks to the tap and gets a glass of water ] There you go. honey.
Gloria: When I said I was thirsty, it doesn’t mean I want a glass of water.
Billy: It doesn’t?
Gloria: You’re missing the whole point of me saying I’m thirsty. If I have a problem, you’re not supposed to solve it. Men always make the mistake of thinking they can solve a woman’s problem. It makes them feel omnipotent.
Billy: Omnipotent? Did you have a bad dream?
Gloria: It’s a way of controlling a woman.
Billy: Bringing them a glass of water?
Gloria: Yes. I read it in a magazine. See… if I’m thirsty…..I don’t want a glass of water. I want you to sympathize. I want you to say. “Gloria. I. TOO. Know what it feels like to be thirsty. I. TOO. Have had a dry mouth.” I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness.
Billy:….This is all in the same magazine?
{Billy throws the water in the glass into Gloria’s face and calls her a f@#$ing psycho!}
I always watch this scene with amusement as neither can see the other point of view but has prevalent characteristics of gender in that of the woman wanting to solve her problems by talking and the male using his problem-solving skills to solve the problem.
Let’s accept our differences.
It’s when we are described as having differences rather than collaborative skill sets, that causes segregation amongst the sexes. There is a lot of movement within female rights at present which is a good thing because there are things in society that need fairing up. I do believe however that the male identity is shrinking in the face of this. Masculine traits are not being celebrated as they should and before long I predict a masculine identity crisis. This idea is shared by Phillip Zimbardo in his book ‘Man Disconnected’.
There could be any number of reasons why someone prefers to have friendships of the opposite sex. I am not saying we need to have a reason for this but I am a believer that if we do have reasons to attribute our behaviour, we can be more accepting of it. Perhaps you have relationship issues with your opposite-sex parent, perhaps you were bullied by your same-sex peers so now opposite-sex friendships seem somewhat safer, perhaps it is just who you are.
I remember reading in a Chris Ryan (could possibly have been Andy McNab) novel somewhere that in order to survive to keep warm, training in the army suggested that you cuddle up to a colleague to preserve body heat. If that colleague happened to be of the opposite sex then between the two of you, you would generate something like 15% more body heat. This talks to me about the biological chemistry that can be generated by opposite-sex relationships.
The message I would like to get out there is that it’s ok to be who you are, it’s ok to get on with females more than males and vice versa. On top of that, it is not up to others to judge for whatever relationships or friendships someone chooses to go into.
Could counselling help you?
From a counselling perspective perhaps you want to discover what this part of you is? Perhaps you have been on the receiving end of negativity because of being more comfortable in opposite-sex friendships. Maybe you would like to unpick the relationship you had with your parents.
If you would like to explore any of the topics covered in this blog or any others that you feel would help you live a more resolved life, then feel free to get in touch, find out more here