What is it to be vulnerable and male………
This is a topic that feels worth-while as we live in a society where we are all taught to have a stiff upper lip but even more so as a male.
Growing up my role models were always strong and muscly He Man, Lion-o from Thundercats and Batman, an era where only babies and girls cry! Paul Gascoigne was another idol of mine and he did show his emotions at the 1990 World Cup semi-final. This is considered a very big moment in English football history and often made reference to. One man’s hurt and pain captured a nation however it still felt a bit of a taboo amongst some that he was crying in the first place.
I can only speak for my era but I am confident in saying this ideology of what a man should be is driven from our ancestors with phrases like ‘mummies little soldier’ widely used. In present day phrases like ‘Man up!’ are used when someone is showing signs of an emotion or not being able to do something.
This way of thinking has created a nation of men that bottle up their emotions, they don’t talk about their problems they bottle them up. At least 90% of my client base is female, this stands out to me as an indicator that men are less likely to discuss their emotions. This is concerning as we are designed to process our emotions, they are there for a reason. An example of this is when we cry, not have a little sniffle, I mean cry! The type of cry that you feel in your belly, the crying where you cry in and out of your belly to the point it feels like your shaking. Well this shaking breaks up the glucose released by your liver in times of stress. When energy rich glucose is sat lying around near your organs, it is this that they mean by stress is harmful for you. This is why going for a run or doing some brisk exercise can make you feel better, or indeed having a good cry.
Despite working in predominantly female environments and having my fair share of female siblings it wasn’t until I studied my counselling degree that I learned the importance of feeling and exploring my emotions. The first real place of exploring my emotions in depth was when I realised that I was mourning for my teddy bears that I had to leave behind as a teenager when I had a house fire. Of course there were a lot more significant things around that time I was mourning but, I kid you not those teddy bears are very much part of the pain. I long for them to turn up somewhere one day.
The Samaritan’s report just over 6000 suicides in the UK a year and whilst the amount of females who commit suicide is rising the proportion of this number that is male is huge. The pressures of being a male in society today are huge. A full time worker in the UK works the third most hours in all of Europe according to the guardian. Cuts across the country in recent times has seen job responsibility rise meaning many working men have seen their responsibility rise in the work place at no extra salary increase. The cost of living has soared meaning fathers whom have to provide for their families are struggling to meet the financial demands of them. Also the ever increasing pressure for mums to go to work must have an impact on men also. An article I have read recently suggested working mums were extremely pressed also mentally and physically due to all the tasks associated with being a mum and working as well.
I don’t speak for every one when I say this but the expectation of men is to be strong and just get on with it. This expectation could make men more reluctant to talk about things that may be bothering them. Men need to find an out let to discuss the things that are bothering them instead of self-medicating. A trend amongst the western world seems to be that if you have had a hard day you go to the pub and have a couple of drinks to wind down. It is out of this ideology that problematic drinking can be born.
The question is then how can we change this? What can be done to invite men to talk about how they really feel? I think we all have a responsibility to talk to the men around our lives and encourage genuineness about their feelings and encouragement to talk about them more.
As parents we have a responsibility to encourage our sons to be forthright about talking feelings. Partners should remember that the stereotypical attributes of what it is to be male are just that stereotypes, not truths. Men will continue to act as their stereotype suggests if we don’t try to break that mould. Statistics around suicide suggest that this phenomenon around men not talking about how they actually feel is detrimental to men in society today.
If you are affected by the topics discussed then get in touch with brighter-pathways.co.uk counselling services. Maybe you are a male and don’t have anyone to speak to or feel uncomfortable talking to someone you know? Maybe you are on the other side of a man who refuses to talk about his feelings perhaps brighter pathways can help…….