This blog is going to explore what it is to not only have a darker side also known as our shadow. I will give examples of how a shadow side may present itself but also how to live with it and how it can benefit us.

First of all, I wonder if you are asking yourself if you have a dark side? Or if you know that you have a dark side that you keep locked under the surface of your everyday personality. Our dark side can consist of things that we own but are not necessarily ours. An example of this could be someone feeling ashamed of not looking a certain way, it might be shame for the way someone else behaved. Of course your shadow may not contain these things but one thing I am sure of is we all have a shadow side.

Our shadows are complex by their very nature they are part of ourselves that sit within our unconscious. Our personality/ conscious part of ourselves does all in its power to hide it from ourselves. However it can leak, this is often why we are drawn to someone whom we don’t like, it is often a behaviour trait is being expressed by that person, we also own that trait therefore it is we are curious and attracted to it.

A belief I share is Carl Roger’s ideology that we all strive to go towards the light. He made reference to a potato in a dark room, there was a tiny pin prick of light making it through a window that had been painted black. The potato still grew roots in the direction of that light, therefore suggesting all living things go towards the light.

It is this part of ourselves that makes me believe when we are faced with something that is deep and buried in the darker side of ourselves that when we see it in someone else, we are drawn to it. We don’t want to have unresolved darker parts of our selves therefore we are drawn to them as we attempt to strive towards a lighter being.

If your personality is somewhat subdued or extremely introverted it could be that you have a strong shadow side. This could mean that you have lots of things your personality is trying to keep quiet, therefore the personality doesn’t take risks for fear of leaking these parts of the shadow out.

An example of this could be a person who does not like meeting new people for fear of seeing one or more parts of their shadow side. The everyday personality stops themselves from socialising for fear of seeing parts of their shadow they are trying to hide.

The emotions that are most likely to sit in the shadow side of ourselves all lead back to one place shame, feeling ashamed or blame. Let’s play out my earlier suggestion of feeling ashamed for not looking a certain way. Jane is 29 years old, when she was 10 she was showing signs of puberty whilst all her other friends were not. Her friends alienated her and made fun of her because she had developed breasts by the age of 11. All the boys in her year used to make fun of her and taunt her about her development.

To comfort herself she comfort ate as her parents were unavailable due to their separation as a couple. This has resulted in Jane  keeping a complementary size 14 frame as the years have gone on, she still comfort eats at times when she is feeling particularly low and self-loathing towards herself.

Jane feels really ashamed of her size 14 frame and wishes she was more like some celebrities she sees in magazines or on TV. As she is not the same size as these people she self-loathes and feels ashamed. What would help Jane in this situation is to have compassion for the young Jane facing all those changes at such a young age without the support and guidance she would have benefited from at this time. That is not to say let’s ‘blame’ mum, but more explore who Jane may have become if it wasn’t for the playground bullies and invite the opportunity to become that Jane.

Alternatively start working and accepting the Jane she is today and celebrating that opposed to loathing it. The stand out thing for me is she coped, she went through those changes unsupported at a time when her parents were separating. She found a way to cope and survived. That alone shows how resourceful she was at a young age and that should be celebrated not loathed.

In a situation like Jane’s, counselling can be a place to explore the shadow side of herself that she self-loathes which in turn forces her to comfort eat because she feels ashamed.

It can be a space to offer compassion and an exploration of why she feels these feelings and are the feelings fair and justified. When this has been explored then perhaps the healing and compassion can begin leading on to an acceptance of the person she is today. I say these things very matter of fact and of course this might not be plain sailing but I just want to present an ideology of how counselling can help Jane.

If any of the subjects covered in this blog sounds like something you would like help with then please feel free to contact via my website brighter-pathways.co.uk

I have also written a blog about shame in light of Monica Lewinsky’s experience of shame you can find that here https://brighter-pathways.co.uk/index.php/2016/05/14/shame/ Feel free to read and comment on that if you wish.

Best wishes

Nick

In today’s blog I am going to discuss addiction, some of the behaviour traits associated with addiction and what we need to start doing as a society to support people whom suffer with addiction.

When I use the term Addiction I use it generically because I believe addiction is the same regardless, it is the substance and our reasons for misusing substances that are different. I think it is worth mentioning here that some addictions don’t involve a physical substance at all for example, gambling, sex, or self-harm. (self-harm is often described as a coping mechanism rather than addiction but I believe they are similar along with the behaviours associated with it.) More recently I would say social media use is becoming addictive with the average person giving 45 minutes of their life a day to facebook.

Addiction is rarely met with open arms, it is often hidden away from others to great extremes. The media scorn and shame it making those that suffer from it, hide it for fear of being cut off from society. The thing is, problematic addiction happens too many of us and goes unnoticed because the symptoms that make addiction problematic are contained. To make this clearer an example of this could be someone who’s alcohol consumption is high but they are still functioning within society ie, going to work daily and paying their bills.

Substance misuse often only gets to addiction services when the substance misuse hits another problem like when someone gets violent to their partner when they are under the influence, or someone can’t afford to pay for their substance of choice so they have to cope with the anxiety that goes with that. They could go to the extremes of stealing to pay for their substance of choice which could end in criminal proceedings therefore making their substance misuse problematic.

This I believe means there are many people out there whom do have addiction concerns but because it is not problematic to others it remains a stone left unturned. This is also where the ideology comes from that unless somebody wants to stop consuming substances they wont. Addiction is a very self-centred by its nature and whilst if you are reading this as a person with a substance misuse problem  then I don’t want this to be a challenge but the point I am making is we don’t misuse substances for someone else once we are addicted. In the early stages of course we may start to fit in or because that is what is socially accepted within a certain group of friends.

Constant consumption of a substance becomes a rather lonely affair because of the self-centred nature of the addiction. Even amongst a circle of misusing friends addictive behaviour sees even the closest of friends see their own needs met before others. This further enforces the loneliness of addiction. This is something that needs to be addressed within addiction the ultimate loneliness of it, whilst I believe many of us are born with addictive traits, our reasons for substance misuse rarely match that of another.

The addiction is the same but the reasons for it are not and what I mean by that is the behaviours that go with addiction are the same. The prickliness of the mood of an addict who is figuring out where his next substance of choice is going to come from, the deceit to the people around him or her, the denial.

The reasons for the addiction are our attempt to hide our pain from our selves whatever the cause of that pain may be it could be loss, it could be rejection, it could be shame, it could be our childhood, and it could be our past. It could be any number of things and each would be completely alien to the varying people with addiction because that is what the pain is completely unique to the individual. This is often where the confusion comes from when a human who is trying to block out their pain is being figured out by someone that does not understand their pain.

It is for these reasons as a society we need people to be able to talk more openly about their addiction without fear of stigmatisation. Addiction needs to be considered an illness an attempt to hide pain from the user, instead of something to ridicule and derive shame.

In order to understand someone’s pain you have to build a picture of what that person’s life is and attempt to understand it in the shoes and socks of that person in their world. Only then can you begin to recognise what that pain feels like and get close to imagining what you would do to stop that pain if it was yours. I think this is where communication breaks down between the people around the person with the addiction ‘I don’t know why they do it!’ is often a phrase you will hear. This is why professional help is needed to start unravelling that pain because the person with the addiction may not want to burden a loved one with the pain or have shame for that pain and therefore will not want to share it.

Counselling can be a place to release some of the hurt that keeps someone in addiction as it is a non-judgmental place. A place where hurt, shame or rejection can be explored without fear of burden or fear of contradiction of understanding because in counselling the only vetted interests are in that of the client.

Are you concerned about your own addictive behaviours?

Is there something you feel uncomfortable about when you don’t have it?

Do you find yourself constantly planning your next binge/fix?

“Do you feel anxious or uncomfortable if you cannot do it or if you think about not doing it? One way to gauge how important these things have become to you is to consider doing without them. Your initial emotional and physical response can be highly instructive. The higher the level of panic and pain you anticipate, the stronger the hold it has on you.” (Psychologytoday.com)

Do you often plan to stop and then cant, finding all the reasons under the sun to not stop?

If any of this sounds like you or maybe you are the spouse or you know somebody with addictive behaviours that you are concerned about and you would like support with this. Visit brighter-pathways.co.uk and contact to see if we can support you without judgement.

Today I am going to write a blog about how difficult it is to be a woman in society today.

Of course those that know me might scoff how I might know such a thing being male. Well I have a few sisters, I used to teach approximately 120 young ladies whilst working in a predominantly female environment.  I have seen the difficulties presented to me in counselling sessions, I also think there is something so obvious about the struggles and pressures of women today.

Women are under constant pressure to look their best but this pressure often comes from the individual. A pressure to be as attractive as other women and whilst this pressure for some is as expensive as their beauty products which I might add feels a really inappropriate name. They all promise to do some unrealistic outcome at an ever increasing price. What seems more alarming is the amount of young woman prepared to go to the extremes of going under the knife. theconsultingroom.com says 51,000 people had cosmetic surgery in 2015 and this number is rising each year.

The ability to manipulate photos has become easier and easier to do, with most mobile phones with a camera including basic photo manipulating tools. This has enabled a lot of inaccurate information to be uploaded via social media. Accurate being true to life and real, inaccurate being manipulated images that are doctored to create unreal perfection.

Once upon a time this only happened in glossy magazines or newspapers. Now the ability to create flawless images is not only completely wide spread and accepted it is just a normal part of everyday life. This of course wouldn’t be a problem however women are comparing themselves to this and competing with it when in reality it is un compete able. (The image I have used in this blog I would like to say I am not using it as a name and shame exercise but to show of the transformation that can be obtained.)

On the other side of that is if you don’t strive to be your best then you look uncared for or un kept. I can only imagine this is born out of tabloid newspapers shaming celebrities for having cellulite or being caught with no make-up on. Whilst this may sell newspapers it pokes around in a place that is serious. That place is shame.

It is the very thing we teach our children from a young age, not to make fun of people. Our tabloid newspapers do it to sell newspapers. This has quite possibly created the photo shop era that is destroying the self-esteem of young women today to the extreme of painstaking procedures and operations to compete with the unrealistic representation of female images today, in an attempt to avoid feeling shame. To elaborate on that further, shame in this scenario is I feel like I do not want to exist because I don’t look a certain way, people won’t like me because I don’t look like her and that makes me feel ashamed.

This is of course is not helped by the fact from a young age we might say to a young girl. That’s a pretty dress or I like your hair, don’t you have a nice smile. The praise that comes with these comments set up feelings of positivity but later can result in negative feelings when positivity is not given. This later on in life can encourage feelings of worthlessness due to not receiving positive enforcement.

More recently there is a phenomenon on social media where young women upload images of themselves to see how many likes that image can get. If that image does not get the desired amount of likes the feelings this generates is shame and unworthiness. This is likely to turn into feelings of not being good enough and a more than likely increase the use of cosmetics.

I believe this in turn fuels anxiety, and depression and increases the risk of self-harm, un nutritional fad diets and eating disorders such as bulimia and anorexia. I have seen these conditions on the fore front and the number of cases are increasing. We need to act now as a society to prevent these numbers from further increasing.

Here are some ideas I would encourage anyone with self-image concerns to take into consideration here are a couple of things I believe can help you work towards a happier you.

Don’t compete with the way other people look, you are not them they are not you.

Remember many of the pictures you see today, even of your Facebook friends are photo shopped.

There is only ever going to be one you, be you gracefully.

One person’s opinion is not a fact.

Smile like you mean it and feel the changes within.

Confidence is a powerful and attractive trait, confidence can be faked remember that 😉

Here is a quote from a famous cosmetic and fashion designer                           

“The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.” 
― Yves Saint-Laurent

I believe that working through our thoughts and feelings towards ourselves and checking out some of the realities and truths we tell ourselves on a day to day basis within counselling, can be the first steps to working towards a positive self-esteem.

Brighter Pathways counselling can offer affordable rates for counselling tailored to your circumstances. We can come to you or if you prefer you can come to us in a range of locations in the Bristol/South Gloucestershire area. Contact us on 07903319318 or email brighterpathwayz@gmail.com alternatively visit brighter-pathways.co.uk to find out more.

Today’s blog dips into an ideology that some consider controversial by its very nature. It’s roots suggest there is no god, and whilst things happen good or bad, this ideology suggests that things don’t happen for a reason instead they ‘just do’.

I am talking about existentialism, my first brush with what existentialism is (other than a mouthful to pronounce) was when I came across a quote in a book by one of existentialism’s famous thinkers Irvine Yalom. His quote read

“Human beings must face up to the ultimate meaninglessness of their existence, that there exists no “meaning” no grand design in the universe, no guidelines for living other than that the individual creates.”

When I first read this statement I couldn’t help but feel wounded by it. Right at the core of me, I felt pulled but the realness wanted me to rebel also. I shared it with my lecturer at the time and there was something in her that bolted like she didn’t want to hear or acknowledge it.

The word meaninglessness could be mistaken for worthlessness but I’m not sure that’s it. I think it comes from a place that life is extremely valuable to the individual, I feel it’s an attempt to free us as individuals from some of the meanings we have programmed into us from a young age. Things like ‘having a good career means you will have a good life.’ ‘You should get married and live happily ever after.’ ‘There is a god and you should believe in him/her and if you don’t you will live an eternity of horribleness when your existence seizes to happen.’

In my opinion having a good career benefits a capitalist society. Getting married prevents promiscuous behaviour and promotes a secure financial and emotional space for a child to be born. Believing in a god helps financially support a church and advertises another set of meanings some positive some not so.

Existential thinking on the other hand promotes free thinking, it encourages us to identify what our own individual wants and beliefs are, for example if being a nurse is what you want to do because helping people lights up your soul then you are living for your own existential meaning. If your mother was a nurse and you want to live in her footsteps then you are not living for your own existence you are doing it for your mothers.

If you believe in a god that is the same as your families for some level of conformity then you are not living for your own meaning, you are doing it to fit in. If on the other hand you believe in god because you are sold on the riches of your religions afterlife and you get comfort from this perhaps it could be argued that this is your meaning.

Sometimes something happens in our lives that makes us question our own mortality and we look at our values and meaning. An example of this could be when we have been made redundant or a friend or loved one dies this is when we ask ourselves ‘how would they measure their existence?’ and that makes us wonder how we would measure our own.

I often think about things existentially, for example if I am thinking about starting something new but am unsure. I think about how I would feel after its done, or at the end of my life will I look back and think to myself ‘I am glad I had done that thing, my life wouldn’t have felt complete otherwise.’ Or alternatively you may ask what might it feel like at the end of your life if you hadn’t completed that thing. These things could be something as big as having children to undergoing a course of study or having a career change.

Some of the statements made within existentialism can be really hard hitting and controversial, for example ‘there is no god’ what I think is meant here is remove external influences when making decisions. Live your life by your own conditions. This is probably what was meant by Karl Marx’s (famous communist) statement ‘God takes away our own human super powers.’ If we make decisions without god as an influence we can take full credit for it and self actualise as a result of it, I believe some of us need to realise that we are truly amazing but I also recognise some of us need to do some work to realise this.

This blog is aimed at helping you to think a little bit more existentially for the good of your own life. Here are some tips on how you can incorporate existential thinking.

1. Don’t make decisions to please others, it will more than likely create resentment.
2. Think about how the end of something will make you feel when you are questioning your ability to complete something.
3. Ask yourself from time to time, ‘at the end of my life will I be happy with what I have achieved?’
4. Give yourself time to think in a quiet space, ask the voice within are you thinking for yourself or are you being guided by external influences unknowingly?
5. Praise yourself for your own success, you may have had support but it was you that stuck in there.

If in doubt counselling can be a way to look at your own existence from an existential perspective before a crisis happens, it can be a way to explore what decisions are best for you.

Of course counselling often happens when we are in crisis generally not when we are asking existential questions. My experience is when people are in counselling after the crisis they recognise the power of the counselling space as a tool for self-discovery. I therefore encourage people to consider counselling as an opportunity to seek clarity on our own life purpose.

Start your counselling journey today www.brighter-pathways.co.uk

I welcome people’s interaction and comments on my blogs, even if your opinion differs from mine. So please feel free to comment as appropriate.