This blog is going to explore what it is to not only have a darker side also known as our shadow. I will give examples of how a shadow side may present itself but also how to live with it and how it can benefit us.
First of all, I wonder if you are asking yourself if you have a dark side? Or if you know that you have a dark side that you keep locked under the surface of your everyday personality. Our dark side can consist of things that we own but are not necessarily ours. An example of this could be someone feeling ashamed of not looking a certain way, it might be shame for the way someone else behaved. Of course your shadow may not contain these things but one thing I am sure of is we all have a shadow side.
Our shadows are complex by their very nature they are part of ourselves that sit within our unconscious. Our personality/ conscious part of ourselves does all in its power to hide it from ourselves. However it can leak, this is often why we are drawn to someone whom we don’t like, it is often a behaviour trait is being expressed by that person, we also own that trait therefore it is we are curious and attracted to it.
A belief I share is Carl Roger’s ideology that we all strive to go towards the light. He made reference to a potato in a dark room, there was a tiny pin prick of light making it through a window that had been painted black. The potato still grew roots in the direction of that light, therefore suggesting all living things go towards the light.
It is this part of ourselves that makes me believe when we are faced with something that is deep and buried in the darker side of ourselves that when we see it in someone else, we are drawn to it. We don’t want to have unresolved darker parts of our selves therefore we are drawn to them as we attempt to strive towards a lighter being.
If your personality is somewhat subdued or extremely introverted it could be that you have a strong shadow side. This could mean that you have lots of things your personality is trying to keep quiet, therefore the personality doesn’t take risks for fear of leaking these parts of the shadow out.
An example of this could be a person who does not like meeting new people for fear of seeing one or more parts of their shadow side. The everyday personality stops themselves from socialising for fear of seeing parts of their shadow they are trying to hide.
The emotions that are most likely to sit in the shadow side of ourselves all lead back to one place shame, feeling ashamed or blame. Let’s play out my earlier suggestion of feeling ashamed for not looking a certain way. Jane is 29 years old, when she was 10 she was showing signs of puberty whilst all her other friends were not. Her friends alienated her and made fun of her because she had developed breasts by the age of 11. All the boys in her year used to make fun of her and taunt her about her development.
To comfort herself she comfort ate as her parents were unavailable due to their separation as a couple. This has resulted in Jane keeping a complementary size 14 frame as the years have gone on, she still comfort eats at times when she is feeling particularly low and self-loathing towards herself.
Jane feels really ashamed of her size 14 frame and wishes she was more like some celebrities she sees in magazines or on TV. As she is not the same size as these people she self-loathes and feels ashamed. What would help Jane in this situation is to have compassion for the young Jane facing all those changes at such a young age without the support and guidance she would have benefited from at this time. That is not to say let’s ‘blame’ mum, but more explore who Jane may have become if it wasn’t for the playground bullies and invite the opportunity to become that Jane.
Alternatively start working and accepting the Jane she is today and celebrating that opposed to loathing it. The stand out thing for me is she coped, she went through those changes unsupported at a time when her parents were separating. She found a way to cope and survived. That alone shows how resourceful she was at a young age and that should be celebrated not loathed.
In a situation like Jane’s, counselling can be a place to explore the shadow side of herself that she self-loathes which in turn forces her to comfort eat because she feels ashamed.
It can be a space to offer compassion and an exploration of why she feels these feelings and are the feelings fair and justified. When this has been explored then perhaps the healing and compassion can begin leading on to an acceptance of the person she is today. I say these things very matter of fact and of course this might not be plain sailing but I just want to present an ideology of how counselling can help Jane.
If any of the subjects covered in this blog sounds like something you would like help with then please feel free to contact via my website brighter-pathways.co.uk
I have also written a blog about shame in light of Monica Lewinsky’s experience of shame you can find that here https://brighter-pathways.co.uk/index.php/2016/05/14/shame/ Feel free to read and comment on that if you wish.
Best wishes
Nick